Tools for Long Term Relationships

There are many reasons why we form relationships.  Many people do not think consciously about the why, except there must be some internal need or desire otherwise the union would not be possible.  You may enjoy going through relationships like water, or to fill a gap in loneliness or maybe just to relieve boredom.  You may even stay in a relationship because you think you have to and live in quiet desperation.  Truth is relentless.  If you want the tools for a long term relationship, you need to place some thought as to why you entered into it. 

You may have seen the relationship as a chance to fulfil an internal need.  So what happens, you tacitly agree to a trade.  I’ll trade you what I’ve got, if you’ll give me what you’ve got.  It’s like a transaction but you don’t tell yourself or your partner the truth.  Then the disappointment begins because the relationship did not produce what you had expected.  You may say you were nothing until that special other came along.  So the other person tries to be all sorts of things they are not until they cannot do it anymore.  Then resentment builds and anger follows.  It is about this time that you say your friend has really changed. 

What should matter to you most is how you are being in the relationship with the other person.  You will lose yourself if you get into a relationship hoping to find yourself.  It is the lost of yourself that causes most of the bitterness.  You give up who you are in order to be the person you are not.  Learn to honour, cherish and love yourself first.  You must see yourself as worthy before you can see another person as worthy.  If you put the cart before the horse you will one day resent it.  

When you feel hurt by another person, admit it to yourself and to the other person.  If you  feel uncomfortable when you meet someone, simply having that feeling is frequently all that is needed to step away.  Decide who you are in the relationship with your friend and be that person.  See your friendship as an opportunity for both parties to grow with no guarantees.  Try very hard not to see your friend as the enemy during difficult times.  See more in yourself than you think there is to be seen.  See more in your friend as well. 

People tend to see in themselves what we see in them.  Truly blessed relationships give people permission to let go of every false thought they have ever had about themselves.  Wake each other up by seeing in others as who they are.  This can be difficult because sometimes they do not believe you.  It is easier to remember who you are because you do not need someone else’s belief only your own.  Demonstrating who you are reminds others of who they are for they will see themselves in you.  It is only through your relationship with other people, places and events that you exist.  In the absence of everything else, how can you be anything?